Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Worst first sentence ever?

"For many people, negotiating at a car dealership is right up there with dental surgery in terms of things they'd like to do. Even if they don't mind the process, some people just don't have the time. Here's one example."

OK. Stop right there. I'm already out. I don't cover cars or dental surgery. It's unlikely this pitch will relate to businesses that I do cover. And the lead-up is way too long (not to mention terrible) without being clever.

Just for kicks, though it still wouldn't help this pitch, here's a better way to write the first two badly written sentences.

Pitch Fix:

Most people would rather suffer through a root canal than haggle with a car salesman. At least a root canal is quick.

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